They Should Invent a Life That Doesn't Make Me Want to Die

March 19th 2026, written by Cody

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We're moving apartments right now which might be what's causing me to have these feelings but also I don't think it invalidates the fact that no matter how much I try I just can't be happy.

We don't have storage yet so the new apartment is cluttered and I have to deal with the utilities and new bills to pay and new responsibilities and new neighbors, and it's all been so overwhelming that I keep fucking up at work or just barely doing anything.

I just feel like I made the wrong decision and that that's all I've ever done.

We've been chasing happiness in anything we could pretty much since we were born and it always ended up slipping through our fingers. Happiness is temporary, I know that, but I don't think the little crumbs of happiness we could get our hands on were supposed to lose their value later.

All the friends we had just had us as accessories, all the happy memories we can recall lasted minutes and had no other people involved whatsoever, all the "fun" events and places we've been to have been about constant hurrying and overwhelm.

We're so so so lonely but whatever relationships we have I keep ruining them and the others won't even get to be themselves before it happens and everything is too loud and too bright and too harsh and too much. I just don't know how to fix myself and nobody can help.

I keep ruining relationships and fumbling opportunities but I can't help it, I'm just so tired and scared, I'm so sorry.

I'm such a horrible host and coworker and friend and brother and partner but I can't stop ruining everything. I just want to feel safe, but I can't. Even if everything suddenly became bearable, I would still want to die.

If I was meant to suffer forever I just wish I stopped hurting and wantng to be loved and happy.